1 00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,505 Here's your fish of the day. 2 00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,107 That day is last Monday. 3 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,410 Excuse me, miss? 4 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,046 There's a hair in my meatloaf. 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,781 This never happens. 6 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:15,383 Oleg! 7 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:18,252 We got a H-34 at T-2! 8 00:00:18,286 --> 00:00:19,620 A hair? That's impossible. 9 00:00:19,653 --> 00:00:21,522 Let me put some pants on. 10 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,659 I am so sorry 11 00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:28,396 that you ordered the meatloaf. 12 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,198 Shouldn't he be in a hairnet? 13 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,166 He should be in a prison. 14 00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,804 Good news. 15 00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,340 It's not mine. 16 00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,675 That Propecia's really paying off. 17 00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,578 Obviously, it's not mine. I'm blonde. 18 00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:47,248 You're not blonde everywhere. 19 00:00:47,281 --> 00:00:49,483 I love carpet-and-drapes talk. 20 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,085 I want my money back. 21 00:00:51,119 --> 00:00:52,486 Me too. 22 00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:56,424 Well, it ain't mine. 23 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,126 Last time my hair was this long, 24 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:01,829 I was a back-up dancer on Solid Gold. 25 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:02,763 Han! 26 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,632 We got a customer with a hair up his butt 27 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:06,400 and one in his meatloaf. 28 00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:07,401 Step aside. 29 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:09,503 Let an expert through. 30 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:13,241 Look, it's "Law and Order: SAD." 31 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:17,145 It's brown, somewhere between coffee and burnt sienna, 32 00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:21,715 cleaned hastily with a combination shampoo-body wash. 33 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:25,319 Mm, this hair belongs to a single white man 34 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:29,357 alone, and not by choice, but so set in his ways-- 35 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,225 Okay! 36 00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,294 It's mine! 37 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:34,728 Next time you want a free meal, 38 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,397 order the fish of the day. 39 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:37,831 Am I right, ma'am? 40 00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,704 Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 41 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:50,778 Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh 42 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,686 Hey, can I order something? 43 00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,421 I'm gonna need to see some ID. 44 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:02,190 I'm getting the itch to hit the road again 45 00:02:02,223 --> 00:02:03,757 and I'll need a new identity. 46 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:06,260 I'll have a Moscow Mule. 47 00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,429 Uh, how about a Jolly Rancher shot? 48 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,897 They're one of our signature drinks, 49 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:13,467 served with a side of my finger-guns. 50 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:14,868 How about a Moscow Mule 51 00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:17,471 since that's what I just ordered? 52 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:18,906 Oh, are you sure? 53 00:02:18,939 --> 00:02:21,642 The shot glasses are made of actual Jolly Ranchers. 54 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,277 Kids love 'em. 55 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,282 One Moscow Mule coming up. 56 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,384 All righty. 57 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,286 You don't know how to make one, do you? 58 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,587 No clue. 59 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,256 How 'bout I just make it myself? 60 00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:38,359 Hmm, while you're at it, I'll have a Jack and Coke. 61 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,861 Always wanted to know what was in that. 62 00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:43,664 Max, what's that guy doing behind you? 63 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,233 Oh... 64 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,900 You know I never look when they're back there. 65 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:49,403 Look, you can't let people serve themselves. 66 00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:52,540 Again, not everything is a Hometown Buffet. 67 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,443 Uh, if it were, I'd be eating a biscuit 68 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,978 with macaroni and pudding on top. 69 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,314 People aren't ordering our signature drinks. 70 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,815 They want real ones, and I only know 71 00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:03,417 how to make the stuff on the menu. 72 00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:06,620 And Molly lollipops, which I call "Mollipops." 73 00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:08,389 Then let me do it. 74 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:12,226 And is that why I slept for three days after Halloween? 75 00:03:13,594 --> 00:03:14,762 Can I get a greyhound? 76 00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:17,431 Greyhound... 77 00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:18,566 Oh... 78 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,669 I don't drive for them anymore. 79 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,337 Politics! 80 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:25,939 Uh, you heard the man. 81 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:28,276 We're not paying you to just stand around. 82 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,478 You're not paying me at all. 83 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:32,580 Not with that attitude. 84 00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:35,449 Believe me, if we could afford a bartender, we'd hire one. 85 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,286 This obviously isn't working out for either of us. 86 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:41,722 Ahem! 87 00:03:41,755 --> 00:03:44,492 Was there a problem with your service? 88 00:03:46,694 --> 00:03:49,263 Max, we need to talk about what happened last night. 89 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:51,832 Oh, crap, you said you were on the pill. 90 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:54,868 We need someone at the dessert bar 91 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,570 who knows how to make real drinks. 92 00:03:56,604 --> 00:03:59,373 Not that your "cigarette butt and tonic" 93 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,974 wasn't a hit. 94 00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:02,943 You said we couldn't afford a bartender... 95 00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:04,312 or a mechanical bull, 96 00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,946 which would have paid for itself by now. 97 00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,681 Here's my idea. 98 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,884 We are going to bartending school so we can-- 99 00:04:10,918 --> 00:04:12,653 and don't kick me-- be the best-- 100 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:13,887 no pinching, not my nose-- 101 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,022 business we can be! 102 00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,757 -G'doink. -Oh. 103 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,892 You didn't say anything about G'doinks. 104 00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,861 What do you think? 'Cause we're already 105 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:22,463 signed up and it's non-refundable. 106 00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:24,465 I took your share out of your piggy bong. 107 00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:27,701 You stole from Cheech and Change? 108 00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:32,573 Okay, you can say you hate the idea, 109 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,442 but you don't have to cry about it. 110 00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:36,944 Man, this baby's more full of crap 111 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:39,413 than a Coldplay album. 112 00:04:39,447 --> 00:04:42,950 Fine, I'll change your diaper, but when you grow up, 113 00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:46,454 you're going to have to return the favor. 114 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,589 The diaper goes the other way! 115 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,059 Earl, did that doll just talk 116 00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,328 or are the voices telling me to kill again? 117 00:04:54,362 --> 00:04:56,930 No, no, it's been yelling at me all day. 118 00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,866 Between this and the police chatter 119 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,334 I pick up on my hearing aid, 120 00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:03,537 it's like a damn party in my head. 121 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,940 Roger that. 122 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,543 Can this doll get any creepier? 123 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,612 Takes one to know one, Caroline. 124 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,714 Asked and answered. 125 00:05:13,747 --> 00:05:15,383 Hey. 126 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,685 Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle 127 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,820 without having to worry about her baby? 128 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:22,390 You were watching us from the toilet? 129 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,025 Can't you just hold your nose and hover like everyone else? 130 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:29,530 It's my surveillance doll. Look. 131 00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:32,500 It's hooked up to an app in my phone. 132 00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:34,101 Look, she's got 133 00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,103 cameras in her eyeballs; 134 00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,472 she's got a microphone in her mouth; 135 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:42,376 and look, a laser pointer in her butt. 136 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:46,013 Is that the American Girl Doll PATRIOT Act edition? 137 00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,015 Isn't she cute? 138 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,718 Look, she's like my twin, 139 00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,520 only more alive. 140 00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,924 Thank you 141 00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:59,693 for keeping your eye on Barbara. 142 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,929 Aww. 143 00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,765 Well, thanks so much. 144 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:08,402 I'd pay you, but I know you're too proud to take the money. 145 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:11,138 Uh, actually, the medical bills are piling up, Sophie. 146 00:06:11,171 --> 00:06:13,607 -Well, see you later! -And I could really use... 147 00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:18,946 If you need a free babysitter, that guy. 148 00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,748 Is it just me 149 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:23,584 or is it hot and blurry in here? 150 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,720 Pardon me, sir. 151 00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:28,556 Oh, my God, Han. 152 00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,891 You're covered in spots and you're delirious. 153 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:32,560 You have chicken pox. 154 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:35,195 You also have chicken legs, so I guess you're even. 155 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,930 Han, you have to go home. 156 00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:37,931 You're contagious. 157 00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,167 And not like my laugh. 158 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,641 Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams. 159 00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,042 Who said that? 160 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,545 You did! You have to go home. 161 00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:54,181 Well, I suppose I could get into bed 162 00:06:54,214 --> 00:06:56,817 and Hulu a little Mindy Project. 163 00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,919 And, boy, is she a project. 164 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,825 Han looked pretty unsteady. 165 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,194 Do you think someone should make sure he gets home okay? 166 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,196 Don't worry so much. He'll be fine. 167 00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,572 See? Fine. 168 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:23,577 I know this is just bartending class, 169 00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,813 but gum, please? 170 00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:28,448 That was chewing tobacco, FYI. 171 00:07:29,750 --> 00:07:32,085 We need to take this seriously, Max. 172 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:34,822 Is that a pocket knife? 173 00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,256 Uh, yeah. 174 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,691 How are they gonna know I was here 175 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:40,160 if I can't carve my initials in the desk? 176 00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:42,696 Maybe we should sit at separate workstations. 177 00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:44,732 I'm obviously gonna be the top student here 178 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,634 and I don't want to be associated with your 179 00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:48,836 "rebel without health insurance" attitude. 180 00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,539 Fine, smell you later. 181 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:54,775 Hi. 182 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,843 I haven't been in a class 183 00:07:55,876 --> 00:07:57,244 since I graduated from Wharton. 184 00:07:57,277 --> 00:08:00,280 -It's an Ivy League-- -I went to Harvard. 185 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,651 Wharton was my safety school. 186 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:06,520 Max, do you still have that pocket knife? 187 00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:09,923 Okay, I think everyone is here. 188 00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:12,560 Hi, my name is Gil Bronski 189 00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:15,596 and I am in no rush to go home. 190 00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:18,532 I live with my mother and her three cats, 191 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:20,768 two of whom have diarrhea. 192 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:28,876 I thought it was an icebreaker. 193 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,078 No, it's a carpet-ruiner. 194 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,015 Oh, thanks, Julie. 195 00:08:35,048 --> 00:08:36,750 Julie's killing it. 196 00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:40,020 Now, you're probably all wondering, 197 00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,189 "How did this former child actor 198 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:45,659 "briefly sidelined by a 30-year drug addiction 199 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:48,729 find himself teaching bartending school?" 200 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:49,863 Just got lucky? 201 00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,566 Just got lucky! 202 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:55,603 Now, who can answer this? 203 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:58,872 He hasn't asked it yet, ass-kissers. 204 00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:03,343 Churchill declared war while sipping a Long Island Iced Tea. 205 00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:06,179 The Magna Carta, French Revolution, 206 00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:07,948 my three divorces, 207 00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:09,750 what's the common denominator? 208 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,151 Booze, duh. 209 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:14,054 Booze, duh! 210 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,624 She didn't raise her hand. 211 00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:20,060 Boy, we have got some eager beavers here, don't we? 212 00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:24,698 Ha, that's what my pimp told us at our working brunch. 213 00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,800 Now... 214 00:09:26,834 --> 00:09:28,902 I have only one rule. 215 00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,037 No-- 216 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:33,641 Interruptions. 217 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,343 This is crazy; no one has called me in six years. 218 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:38,812 I would have guessed longer. 219 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,916 Oh! Thanks, Julie. 220 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:46,186 Let's make some drinks! 221 00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:49,322 Oh, my God. I love school so much. 222 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,227 How am I expected to know the difference 223 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,830 between a vodka sunrise and a vodka sunset? 224 00:09:56,864 --> 00:10:00,701 12 hours and a missing pair of pants. 225 00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,302 Now, shh. I'm studying. 226 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:07,374 That was the first homework I've ever done. 227 00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:10,878 I've never seen you take anything this seriously. 228 00:10:10,911 --> 00:10:13,346 And you had rabies once. 229 00:10:13,380 --> 00:10:16,349 Stop joking around. This is for school. 230 00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:23,290 Where did you get those glasses, The Golden Girls? 231 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:26,994 For the first time in my life, I want to learn goodly. 232 00:10:27,027 --> 00:10:30,864 Max, have we switched bodies? 233 00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:33,300 If so, enjoy chlamydia. 234 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:37,805 I want to do well on this test. 235 00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:40,107 I want to get a, uh... 236 00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,275 what's the good letter? 237 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,510 It's an A. 238 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,880 And I think this is gonna be the first time I don't get one. 239 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,382 I am just not connecting to the material. 240 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:53,420 Like sci-fi comedy, I mean, pick a lane. 241 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:55,022 Well, give me that book 242 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,024 'cause I'm gonna nail this bartending exam 243 00:10:57,057 --> 00:11:00,961 like it's some guy I met at the grocery store. 244 00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:04,932 Most of my tests just had "see me" written at the top. 245 00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:06,366 Mine always had, 246 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:09,136 "You've done it again, Caroline Channing." 247 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,371 And I have to do it again. Let me try making a drink. 248 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,140 Okay. Bartender? 249 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,441 Make me a Bloody Mary. 250 00:11:14,474 --> 00:11:16,143 The drink, not my friend Mary Nichol 251 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:18,311 who got her period in fourth grade. 252 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,146 I have to get this. 253 00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:21,749 I know the bloody part is tomato juice, 254 00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,250 but what the hell is the Mary? 255 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,086 I should know. I've dated so many. 256 00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:27,721 I'll give you a hint. 257 00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,257 Rhymes with "schmodka." 258 00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,259 Grodka! 259 00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:35,162 That's not even a thing. What is wrong with me? 260 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:38,131 Vodka. 261 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,233 Um, that was clam juice. 262 00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:43,403 Sure was. 263 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,506 Pick up, hot... 264 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,909 doll. 265 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,077 The Sophie doll? 266 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,311 Well, it's covered in hair 267 00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:53,413 so it'll pass as food around here. 268 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,982 Just get rid of it. 269 00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,484 Sophie's constantly using it to criticize me, 270 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,352 so I disconnected her app. 271 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:01,421 I mean, how many times can she yell at me 272 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,124 to wash my hands after going to the bathroom? 273 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,097 Every time? 274 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,833 That doll is driving me crazy. 275 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,835 Plus, I think I'm... 276 00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:18,238 starting to have feelings for it. 277 00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,106 Fine. 278 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,174 I'll take her. 279 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,876 I haven't had a possessed doll 280 00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:25,545 since Chucky moved out in '09. 281 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,380 Now, he could make a Bloody Mary. 282 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,950 And a bloody Denise and a bloody Julio. 283 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:36,824 Speaking of creepy dolls come to life. 284 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,893 Han, if you have open sores, you have to go home. 285 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,429 Not that it's stopped anyone else who works here. 286 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,264 I can't go home. 287 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:47,000 I took an oatmeal bath to get rid of the itching, 288 00:12:47,034 --> 00:12:49,002 and it flooded my apartment. 289 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,403 I tried eating it down, 290 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:53,273 but I passed out and nearly suffocated. 291 00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:57,077 Well, find a nice subway bench to curl up on. 292 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,846 Or even a Subway sandwich. 293 00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,014 You know how embarrassing it would be to catch a disease 294 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,952 from a guy I haven't slept with? 295 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:08,321 What? Do I have something in my teeth? 296 00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:10,958 Yes, of course. But not that. 297 00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:14,394 Max, I think you have chicken pox. 298 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,898 Well, I could make this less embarrassing for you. 299 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,067 We could have sex. 300 00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,572 Ugh. 301 00:13:25,605 --> 00:13:28,041 I can't believe that little Outbreak monkey 302 00:13:28,075 --> 00:13:30,477 gave me the pox! 303 00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:32,412 If I get my mittens on him, I'm gonna tear him 304 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,547 from tiny limb to tiny limb. 305 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,985 Best I stay in the bathroom then? 306 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,452 No. 307 00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:42,890 Come on out, patient-zero-friends. 308 00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:45,125 I need you to enter your Netflix password. 309 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:49,029 It's "Han job 69." You're the one who set it. 310 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:51,398 And thanks for letting me crash here. 311 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:54,601 I'm not sure you can legally make me your butler for life, 312 00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:57,337 but I did sign the contract. 313 00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,640 I'm still feeling a little woozy. 314 00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,175 Hello, Sophie. 315 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,211 Don't change the subject. 316 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,479 For the first time, I really wanted to go to school. 317 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:08,615 I know I could fit your head in my toilet, 318 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,517 but I wonder if I can get your whole body in there. 319 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:14,955 Wow, you really put the "bitch" in "itch." 320 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,190 Could you? 321 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:19,626 Ah, that's the stuff. 322 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:22,095 Now get my back. 323 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,597 You like that? Is it hard enough? 324 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:25,933 Am I hurting you? 325 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,901 Don't flatter yourself. 326 00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,402 Don't stop till I get enough. 327 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,539 Won't that be easier if Max takes her shirt off? 328 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:34,975 Oleg! 329 00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:36,944 Are you spying on us? 330 00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:39,679 Momma. 331 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:41,114 I am so screwed. 332 00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:43,250 The bartending test is in two hours, 333 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,118 and I can't remember what goes in a White Lady. 334 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:49,222 A bottle of chardonnay and then a fat guy that makes her laugh. 335 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,623 Is that Caroline? 336 00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,260 She sounds like she's not wearing underwear. 337 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:58,431 How did Oleg get inside the doll? 338 00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:02,135 Wish it was the first time I said that. 339 00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,270 I got the app, 340 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:05,505 and now I have a Saturday night. 341 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,675 Oleg, have you seen my Sophie doll? 342 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:10,677 Uh...I haven't seen her. 343 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,145 Gotta go. 344 00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:15,615 Wait, this thing works with any phone? 345 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:17,684 Oh, my God, Max, we can use the doll so 346 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,353 you can read me the ingredients for drinks on the test. 347 00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:23,190 You mean cheat? At school? 348 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,992 Wow, maybe we did switch bodies. 349 00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:28,195 -Rats. -Oh, thank God. 350 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:29,997 Is there any way I could get either of you 351 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,165 to scratch my tum-tum? 352 00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:34,968 Here. 353 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:35,969 Ooh. 354 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,338 The nails are real. 355 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,381 Nice shirt, nerd. 356 00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:51,018 Ooh, nice shirt. 357 00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:52,352 Thanks, Mr. B. 358 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,988 Any love for my shirt? 359 00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:56,189 Mm, feels desperate. 360 00:15:56,223 --> 00:15:58,058 Hey, where's Max? 361 00:15:58,091 --> 00:16:00,327 A bunch of us are going to Chili's after class. 362 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,362 Max is sick, but I'm totally free. 363 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:05,098 Mm, reservation's only for ten. 364 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,467 But Max isn't here, so I can take her spot. 365 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,069 You'd think. 366 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:11,871 What's that? 367 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,474 Oh, this is my emotional support doll. 368 00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,743 I brush her hair and it calms me down. 369 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:17,677 I'm not insane. 370 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,480 Hey, I've been saying that for 30 years! 371 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,349 All right, kiddies, 372 00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,551 I need ten drinks in ten minutes. 373 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:27,120 Or, as a blacked-out me once said, 374 00:16:27,154 --> 00:16:29,389 "Let's get this starty parted." 375 00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:30,390 Begin. 376 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,325 Max, are you there? 377 00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:33,560 Can you see the set-up? 378 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,495 I see you and Julie both 379 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:38,665 shop at Tommy Bah-Brown Nose. 380 00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,700 Care for a cinnamon stick in your cocoa? 381 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:44,204 Never mind, a millipede carried it off. 382 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:46,473 How's school? Did anybody ask about me? 383 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:48,108 Tell Keith whassup. 384 00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:50,310 And tell Dave whassup, but not in front of Keith. 385 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:51,678 Max, focus. 386 00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:54,281 The first drink I have to make is a Negroni. 387 00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,815 And I'll tell you how to make it 388 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,185 as soon as you relay a message to Jeff 389 00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,087 that goes a lot like this: 390 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:01,388 whassup. 391 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:05,125 Max says, "Whassup, whassup." 392 00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:06,793 Okay, I'm listening. 393 00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,395 Gin. 394 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:09,796 No, that's not gin. 395 00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:12,199 Did you even go to kindergarten? 396 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,334 It's the one right next to it. 397 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:15,435 Got it. 398 00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,704 Wow, I am really cheating. 399 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,773 I am such a bad girl. 400 00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:23,543 Here we go, hot cocoa Han-style. 401 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:26,279 Complete with a frothy marshmallow layer. 402 00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:28,281 Ooh, marshmallows. 403 00:17:28,315 --> 00:17:30,350 And marshmallows, got it. 404 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,518 No, no, no, not you. 405 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,586 I was talking to Swiss Miss over here. 406 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,489 Aah... 407 00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,459 choo. 408 00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:41,728 Man, you are acting crazier than me 409 00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,231 when I was stalking Tom Hanks. 410 00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,465 It's okay, it's okay. 411 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,500 You spilled all over the book. 412 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:49,836 I can't read a thing. How is this okay? 413 00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:51,238 Because... 414 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,206 that was your cocoa. 415 00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,177 Mmm. 416 00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,547 How do you like your girl Swiss Miss now? 417 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,183 You better grab something to dry this book off. 418 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,452 Bookoff? Is that a vodka? 419 00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:07,287 I'm panicking. I'm gonna fail. 420 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,755 Aah! 421 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,394 Aw, 422 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,196 cheating on a bartending test? 423 00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:19,432 I am gonna tell you the same thing I told The Situation: 424 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:22,269 you take it on back to Jersey. 425 00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:23,903 Good one, Mr. B. 426 00:18:23,936 --> 00:18:26,339 Oh, thanks, Julie. 427 00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:28,575 I am so sorry, Mr. Bronski. 428 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,477 Please don't fail me. I'll do anything. 429 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,345 -Oh. -But nothing sexual. 430 00:18:32,379 --> 00:18:33,646 Oh. 431 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:36,183 I mean, after all, it's just bartending school. 432 00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:39,452 I'm gonna take this doll with me. 433 00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:41,554 She's gonna be our tenth at Chili's. 434 00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,225 Hey, Mr. B, whassup! 435 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:46,793 Hi, Max. 436 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,198 I just can't get it out of my head. 437 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,199 It was terrible. 438 00:18:52,232 --> 00:18:54,634 He ripped apart the doll right in front of me. 439 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,803 And then this part I couldn't even tell you, 440 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:59,206 I f... 441 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:01,140 -Failed? -Farted! 442 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:04,811 You know how my stomach gets when I'm upset. 443 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,180 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 444 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,449 I woke up with me and Han spooning. 445 00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:12,852 Which spoon were you? 446 00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:16,623 The one with the stiffie in her back for three hours. 447 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,660 Hey, everybody. 448 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,498 We just stopped in for a Jolly Rancher shot 449 00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,166 on our way to a live sex show. 450 00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:30,303 Sophie, where's the baby? 451 00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,239 Oh, she's with the babysitter. 452 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:36,376 Some perverted SOB stole my Sophie doll. 453 00:19:37,644 --> 00:19:39,546 I realized that 454 00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:41,548 it's okay not to watch baby Barbara 455 00:19:41,581 --> 00:19:43,583 for 24-8. 456 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:48,221 You know, in Poland, we get the extra day. 457 00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:50,590 For dredging the lakes. 458 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,561 Why don't you go get us a table, Sophie? 459 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,929 Okay. 460 00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,898 Any chance of getting that doll back? 461 00:19:58,931 --> 00:20:02,469 I really underestimated how strong my feelings for it were. 462 00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:04,237 I know. 463 00:20:04,271 --> 00:20:07,374 I was the one who walked in on you brushing her hair. 464 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,810 And I was the one who asked you not to repeat that. 465 00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,579 I'll have a mojito. 466 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,347 Sorry, we don't do off-menu drinks. 467 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,348 I'm on it. 468 00:20:15,382 --> 00:20:16,683 Bup-bup-bup! 469 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,984 One mojito coming up. 470 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,321 What are you doing? We failed the class. 471 00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:24,591 Ooh, first time I didn't fart saying that. 472 00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:25,758 You failed. 473 00:20:25,792 --> 00:20:27,360 Between studying and helping you cheat, 474 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,596 I learned how to make every drink in that book. 475 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,999 Oh, my God, Max, you learned something. 476 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:35,435 I failed so you could succeed. 477 00:20:35,468 --> 00:20:37,637 So in a way, I succeeded too. 478 00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:40,640 You've done it again, Caroline Channing. 479 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,009 Oh, yeah! 480 00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,748 Oh. The live sex show is here.